best: I'm mature, always there.
worst: fuck.

angry. I cannot stand being ignored.

what good does it do, when I remain unwanted.
But I'm brave. I am very brave.

I am ripping apart, slowly. Methodically. Everything in here is paper and I am going at it with clumsy child hands. I'm almost angry. I'm tearing it all.
I want to crawl underneath his plans and work myself up until I am noticed. Nothing will come of this except warm mental flashes that filters EVERYTHING through this lens that is his face. This is stupid and corny. This is what teenagers do. This is me imagining what it feels like to touch the back of his neck when he's tired, what his knuckles must feel like after he works them dry from building ageless things. This is me knowing and understanding the fact that I am fucked royally, thoroughly, to absolute bits.
I am good. How do I make him see that?

I'm going to start bloging again, because my handwritten journal has fallen on hard times and is currently sitting lonely somewhere, forgottern. It's going to stay there for awhile.
Anyways, I'm confused. This is nothing new, but this is an old confusion that is settling deep in my bones again, hard to move again, this bitchin' sucks and I need a way out-again.
I am going to be in an art institute next year. I am NOT staying here for any longer than I need to. No one is believing me when I say I am heading out of here, I need to start preparing.
I'm going to do something that my parents are not going to like.
I'm not going to sign up for school next semester. I'm going to work my ass off and earn something, to put towards college. New Hampshire sucks compared to MICA.
The alumni stories have convinced me. I want to go to mica, too, my portfolio is good enough. I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I CAN DO THIS...

I'm just scared about the entire process. All of it. Mother needs to compute, so I'll fuss again later on tonight when my room is "fucking clean" and whatever. Meow ♥

if I ever want to bed Jinki, I'd better work hard at being awesome.

huhuhuhuhu. fun.

that bitch reply I made. Seriously, what was I trying to prove.

roleplay creeps the shit out of me. I think less of people who do it :C

I kind of hate this layout, and this journal. it is so juvenile and I've never really noticed that before. OH GOD, IS THIS AN EPIPHANY? I'm eighteen and what is this...Sometimes I'm concerned that if I get famous in the future this journal will be my tragic flaw.

love goodfic, ABSOLUTELY DESPISE BADFIC.